One-page summary · 2 min read
Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, Revised and Expanded
How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
by Rick Brinkman, Rick Kirschner
The big idea
Difficult behavior is rarely a fixed personality flaw; it's usually a positive intent, to get things done, be right, be liked, that's gone sideways under stress. The book teaches readers to diagnose the behavior pattern and adapt their own communication to defuse it.
The authors catalog recurring difficult-behavior characters, including the Tank, an aggressive bulldozer; the Sniper, who undermines with covert jabs; the Grenade, sudden angry outbursts; the Know-It-All; the Yes Person; and the Complainer, pairing each with a specific communication tactic tailored to that type's underlying intent.
Editions vary slightly in how many types are named; the core method is nicknamed the authors' Conscious Communication approach.
Key ideas
Positive intent behind bad behavior
Every difficult type is chasing something legitimate, results, accuracy, approval, safety; identify it to respond more effectively.
Tanks need calm confidence
Standing your ground without matching their aggression de-escalates a Tank faster than backing down or fighting back.
Snipers need to be surfaced
Naming the covert jab out loud, calmly, removes its power.
Blending and redirecting
Mirror the other person's pace, tone, or body language briefly to build rapport before steering the conversation elsewhere.
Yes people and maybe people need structure
Because they avoid commitment or conflict, they need explicit follow-up questions and deadlines rather than vague requests.
Complainers need to be heard, then redirected
Acknowledge the complaint briefly, then pivot to what outcome would you like to see to move toward solutions.
Try it this week
- Identify one recurring difficult person in your life and match them to one of the behavior types this week.
- Next time someone snipes at you, calmly name it out loud.
- Practice blending: briefly mirror a tense person's pace or tone before redirecting the conversation.
- With a chronic complainer, try acknowledging their complaint once, then asking what outcome they'd like.
Is it for you?
Best for
- People dealing with a specific repeat-offender coworker or relative
- Readers who like typology-based, script-driven advice
Less useful if
- Readers skeptical of personality-type frameworks
- Readers wanting research-heavy psychological grounding rather than practical scripts